This is the final post for this blog, which covered my first two years living in Brooklyn, New York.
I’m living in China now – for 15 months – to teach English, and I’m trying a more focused approach to blogging. Check out my travel blog, where I will be posting bi-weekly poems, stories, songs, etc. about my experiences in specific places.
This blog, which is truly just excerpts from my journal, has served it’s unorganized, raw, sometimes cringeworthily vulnerable life and I will keep it as an angsty souvenir of my early twenties when I lived in my favorite city on earth.
Sometimes I say it is because I want to be able to claim “writer” on my taxes one day. I want to be read. I want to be paid. I want to have the freedom to write all day without worrying about making it to some other job I’m doing “just to get by”. The travel blog? Wouldn’t it be neat to get paid to travel and write about it??? I think.
If this was actually why I blogged though, I wouldn’t do it. Or at least I wouldn’t enjoy it as much. Also, I probably wouldn’t write as many poems that may interest no one other than me (which are usually the poems I most need to write).
Ultimately, I write because it makes me feel whole.
I take writing seriously because it is the only way for me to live that makes sense in my gut.
Here I am, an unknown writer going on about why she writes – who knows who reads this dear, obscure blog of mine??? Yet, I am somehow motivated to do the strange work of being vulnerable here – even though it’s just to the anonymous eyes of the internet.
In my other blog, I aim to be honest and focused.
For this last all-around entry here, I’ll just post whatever shreds I scribbled my last weeks in the USA that can be shared/are worth sharing.
If anyone is reading or has read, thank you. Thank you for knowing me here. I pray that, wherever you are, you may find something that reunites you with yourself and you may pursue it – as I do everytime I pick up a pen.
The more you love yourself, trust yourself, nourish yourself, the more powerful you will become to nourish the world around you.
I am the Empress.
For someone with anxiety (many thoughts), this is a shattering – the feeling of –
it could have been it could have been –
you just have to remain present in the not-knowing –
Need to Find Peace In the Ache
Lol, Gross (Writer’s Block)
I started the timer [to write] but stopped to dig the dirt – the all-familiar dirt – and period blood and sweat and dandruff and cum and Earwax – out of my ears [my nails]
Writer’s Block (cont.) and I Want.
NagPullSquish / I need to love more / Have more sex / Stay up later / Get more sleep / Walk / Bike / Dance / Yoga / Sell a screenplay / Have babies / Hire babysitters / Clean Houses / Perfect Husbands / Make Movies / I want wild productive mornings where I make before people disturb me/ I want structure & friends / I want freedom & solitude / I want to stop writing because my hand already hurts
I want to surf the internet and read about writers I could be, residencies I could go too, grad schools & apartments in Williamsburg [I am about to move to China], I want to hold my nephew, I want to make people cry with my plays, I want to be drunk, I want to be in love, I want the same person I’m in love with to be in love with me, I want to watch a cat, I want to be smart and inspring, I want to be fluent in Russian, I want a doctorate in French, I want a French Husband, I want to make love with an American Woman, I want to have a flatter stomach, I want my mother to think I am astonishing exactly as I am, I want to have somebody I can bring home and introduce to my family, I want to become a part of the sky, I want to unlock some great artistic partner so they can be my everything partner, I want to publish this list so that I can be known and I don’t have to hide, I want everyone I know to care about me and give me attention, I want to laugh with everybody like I do with my best friends, I want everybody to be happy, I want to be married with a clean big home and a thriving career, I want to stay single and never move a day above twenty-five, I want to be a child so my mother can hold me, I want to stay in New York, I want to live in my parents’ home in the mountains, I want a ski bum boyfriend with wild blue eyes, and a filmmaker boyfriend with long shaggy hair, and an actor-turned-lawyer boyfriend who can admire the arts AND pay for dinner, I want to stop writing and be lazy in the cocoon of my mind, I want to not be tired, I want my period to stop but I don’t want a baby, I want to hold a baby but I don’t want to take care of a baby, I want to be brilliant but I don’t want to work, I want to have a day hiking, a day spent asleep, a day writing, a day on set, a day drinking and dancing and fucking and smoking, I want I want I want. The great nag. Propeller.
^^And with that, we say goodbye writinzzzzz blog!^^
^^if you didn’t think you knew me, well, now ya pretty much do!^^