“Fassbinder said once, “I detest the idea that love between two persons can lead to salvation. All my life I have fought against this oppressive type of relationship. Instead, I believe in searching for a kind of love that somehow involves all of humanity.” – Chris Kraus, I Love Dick
“Concentration does not mean squeezing your brain tight, but rather relaxing it and bypassing the editor” –Goldberg, Wild Mind
I wrote a lot these past three weeks, but a lot of it will have to wait until I’m dead or 30 years old before I can share it with the public. I know I keep this blog most of all for myself, to keep track of what might be gold among the mass of nearly illegible journal pages, but oh! Somethings are best kept illegible (for a time).
^^ My favorite uncomfortable serenity is when I forget my phone, and therefore forget time – and therefore remember my spirit, remember my body, and remember the spirits/bodies around me
DA TRUTH COMEZ OUT
I look at my phone and it is loaded with texts from first dates I’ll never respond to but leave unread in their green orbs because (I tell myself) one day it’s good to have the option – also I figure if they see I haven’t read the message then it’s no harm, no foul; I’m just busy (true) and spacey (sort of true) and bad at my phone (it depends on who’s trying to reach me).
Anxiety about Writing to Share with Others
Apprehensive that my pen will betray the wickedness of my humiliated heart, and there I will be, reading it out loud, turning red in the face – but isn’t that the point?
Stinky, magnificent Houston in November, everything large like aliens, the sky – the Texas sky – swarming with her herds of blackbirds.
May I just say
I get a horrible intoxicating flurry of butterflies in my stomach whenever I’m writing and it’s going well.
If we all stopped trimming our weeds
Driving our car wheels over the grass
Cracking robins eggs with our fat, loud asses
She would swallow and
It would only take a month or less and
The air would inflate
Would be the new normal
We’d all feel lost we’d all feel taken care of. and afraid.
I will never be someone who falls in love online. I’m too corporeal. Or shallow. Obsessed with the feeling of bodies.