“Failure is good. Failure admits ambition. Failure admits bravery. Failure admits daring// Reach beyond yourself. – Letters to a Young Writer, Colum McCann

If anyone is reading this thing, I salute you.

I’m growing. I’m messing up, but I’m getting more trusting in myself.

Here is where I write down the legible bits from my journal, documenting the journey.

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^^ It me.

 

1/26/18

To all the People Pleasers

Every woman, everywhere, listen up:

Be selfish

Say no

Be irresponsible

Give no fucks

The person experiencing your life is you and you have the right to make it joyful for yourself.

Why don’t women get respect unless they demand it?

Unless they go against the grain and shout and rally despite the training inside them telling them that they will not be as loved?

In the meantime

I’m terrified of everything, most of all of being unloved.

1/30/18

One-Night Stands

I don’t think one-night stands are any less true than relationships or at least – they have the same capability to throb with the hot, delirious disease of being lost to another person like relationships do.

Disease, disease

And maybe I imagine that the incessant lust, craving for love, for rest in love – for that sweet oblivion into the nectar of life – maybe I imagine that this will go away if I have a partner – but maybe not – maybe the perseverance of this mild sickness is what compels me to lose myself in the beauty of a film, of a story.

2/2/18

Brooklyn = Moscow = Paris

Today Williamsburg breathes like Moscow, it breathes more like Paris – Paris! That mythical city I feel cheesy for loving, but suddenly the giant dome of Williamsburg bank rises behind the elevated train (a dirty silver) – I hear the rumble – I feel it in my pores – the Grandness the absolute Magnificence of this city, like planets, rings in my sternum, sings wine into my breast – but you know the Dome also brought me back to Sunset in the Latin Quarter – were the buildings Salmon or were they creamy beige – or were they Gold?

….

Actually, places are lovers for me, wandering in locations where I have no history but humanity has plenty, breathing in different colors of air

Idealization (Lover)

Not just a friend, whom, despite delightful company, it can grow tiresome to compromise with and listen to but

A Lover

For whom you are eager to surrender to – in them, under them, their body shadowing behind you on the train, their hand forming a shell over yours –

a Lover, a Waterfall;

The landmarks come second, what is important is you take in their sparkling air that they inhale too, what is important is their presence & their mystery – a lover who speaks in diamonds & sculptures & sunbeams that you never grow tired of drinking

2/4/18

Spring Splash (Nearing 25)

Happiness is born happiness is born in warming up in running pens across the page in grinning butterflies all over everyone you meet / All I want in the morning is an entire day spent discussing someone else with that someone else, swimming around in the morass of their mind, inviting them to mine but ultimately deciding it’s easier to stick in theirs / I will convince all these men to fall in love with me for one night – in the morning, they’ll protect their pride and we will all have to go to work / To be a human is most beautiful because we are all throbbing clitorses and sunflowers, roses heavy and swollen with rainfall and sunlight / This weekend was good because all I had – all I have – for everyone – is goodness, is goodness, is goodness, I say yesterday to suffering, I say tomorrow to anew, open hips, celebrating bodies / It’s unfortuante when I feel obliged to partake in acts I’m not thrilled about, it’s unfortunate blow jobs taste too salty but fat on others’ bodies is good for me to cuddle into, but that’s it really, and it’s okay, because while we are all sexual beings, we are also just beings, flawed & nubby & tired & cuming too fast or not at all.

I don’t know how to flirt without saying jeopardizing statements

… And I no longer fear twenty-five or claim it as “so old”, because law la la! I am an adult and I own all my limbs – I own all my limbs, all by myself I! Own all my limbs!

2/12/18

Practice a little self-lying

When you live the uncertain, expensive, daring life of an artist.

It’s important to remember.

It’s important to at least just tell yourself.

That it’s all going to be okay.

In the end, I have myself to hold and reassure myself & the person there to hold & reassure me is myself

3/13/18

Failing at Presence (Potential is a Drug) 

I am overwhelmed with the largest ideas and no time, and no time, I take up the time with daydreaming, flailing around, flapping from wall to wall, thinking obsessively about the future because the present is too full and too empty at once, and my head is a cluster of erratic stars catapulting at lightning speed / the only things that force me into the present are making & fucking & dancing when the music’s good & headstands

I want to be a universe

Everyone is always asking me what my dream is for my life – I guess it’s because I’m young and don’t they all love potential

The largest thing I want is

Love

I’ve said that in these pages, Seven Hundred Thousand times

The second largest thing I want is

Adventure

But love, the love I think of, is Adventure is love is life is newness is daring is failing is trying & smiling & laughing & laughing & gazing & listening & dancing & squeezing & holding & blazing.

3/31/18

My work, My shining star (Post-Artistic-Rejection) 

… All sorts of ego punches continue to await me – but my work is larger than any man or woman in a cushy office chair deciding it’s not worth it

My work is my beacon and I have the control to always return to it & nurture it & suck roots up to branches & maybe one day there will be more money but for now, there is Me

My confidence is in the fact that I try & no one can stop me

Are you alive?

Then you are valuable.

Do you have a purpose, a sanctuary, something to drive forward to even if you never reach the destination?

Then may your mornings be all the more filled with liberty, may you (may I) never give up and judge no one and persevere in love

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